Living Life on the Superficial Level

There is something very dangerous about a blog. Basically it's like a diary, except that it isn't written in pencil, and with the click of a mouse anyone can access it at any time. You can disclose things that are controversial, things that are potentially harmful, things that could really hurt someone's feelings, all while forgetting that everything that's on the internet is permanent. It will never go away, it will always be available to access. But I guess at the same time, that sort of blind courage is what it takes to reveal yourself on a deeper level.

Personally I have been living my life on a very superficial level. I can count on one hand the number of people who truly know me - people who would probably correctly guess my answer to a variety of questions about me, about my life, about my views and opinions - about things that matter more than being funny, and things that make you think on a deeper level. It's so much easier to be funny than it is to be serious.

I think moving around so much growing up shaped this shell that I have. I remember the pain of getting close enough to someone to call them my "best friend," only to have to move multiple states away and start all over again. It got really difficult to see the value in getting close to anyone over the way it felt having to leave the only person aside from my family who really knew me, and who I really knew at a more meaningful level. On the other hand, it also helped me become more chameleon-like, able to adapt and adjust my personality to fit in, to make friends, and to survive. I deeply envy people who can say without a doubt that they have a best friend. Especially those who can say that even after they get married - that they still have a best friend who they meet up with on Saturday afternoons for coffee and window shopping, cheesy rom-coms, and who they Skype with while watching The Bachelor. I've never had that. Ever. And I want that so badly, but not badly enough to force it. And I think that as much as people say you should marry your best friend, I imagine that there are important aspects of having a female best friend - because no man (maybe a gay man, but I don't know that from experience) can fulfill, no man is wired that way. Just as there are aspects of a man having a male best friend that I can't fulfill because I simply don't get it and I am not biologically wired to understand it.

I've always had lots of friends - lots of good friends, lots of close friends. I mean I had 8 bridesmaids for crying out loud. But I didn't select my bridesmaids based on who knows me best, or who I am closest with. I chose them in a very methodical way: If I could create the perfect woman to be married to Clayton, the perfect woman to love him and support him and balance him out, whose qualities would this woman have? Who should I turn to when I'm lacking in a specific area? If I had these girls' qualities or could channel them in some way, it would make me a better person, the best person I can be. The best wife I can be for Clayton. For example, to be the best wife I can be, I have to channel Kiley's ambition, Courtney's deeply-rooted faith in God, Maggie's sensitivity, Natalie's loyalty and overall sweetness (not a mean bone in that girl's body. Seriously, I have never heard her say a mean thing about anyone) - et cetera et cetera you get the picture.

But to say that any of these girls know my life story, know how I feel about controversial subjects, know if I vote Republican or Democrat and why, know intimate details about me, my past relationships, my current and permanent relationship - to say that anyone knows everything there is to know about me, would be false. No one knows the things that I think about when I'm lying awake at night, unable to sleep. Nobody knows that when I'm upset or crying, having someone hug me or play with my hair makes me feel better than anything. Nobody knows that my favorite thing in the whole world is having someone brush my hair. Nobody knows that when I'm excited about something, I go forward with it at 100 mph and get this rush of adrenaline and inertia that makes stopping completely impossible.

But that's not their fault. Because I don't know any of those things about many, or any of my friends either. It makes me wonder if I'm the only one that holds back. My friendships are so meaningful to me, but I'm beginning to think that my definition of meaningful is much shallower than everyone else's. Does everyone else have a deep meaningful friendship with one another, and I'm the odd man out who stays in the shallow end and never really dives in? Is everyone else treading water in the deep end, while I stay safely in the shallow end, where I can get out quickly if I need to?

I think a lot of it is fear that people won't like what they learn about me if I do let them in. But I don't know why. I've never done anything that bad - I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I've never killed anyone, never purposely hurt anyone physically or emotionally, never had a drug problem, never been to juvee, never been two-faced or backstabbing.

Maybe this is my fault - maybe it's a combination of having a wall up and the utilization of social media to replace actual interpersonal interaction. It's so much easier to write on someone's Facebook wall, or shoot them a tweet, or send them a text message, than it is to pick up the phone and have a conversation - awkward silences and miscues and all. But maybe those awkward silences and miscues ("Sorry, what? No you go ahead!") are what make us relate to one another on a more substantial level. There is so much space between me and, well, everyone.

Having a husband and a child makes it exponentially more difficult. I can't do anything at the drop of a hat - I don't have the freedom (from being a mother) or financial autonomy (from being a wife) to take a girls' trip at the spur of the moment, or go shopping at a moment's notice. I can barely make it out of the house to meet a friend for coffee.

Have I passed the stage in life where it is possible to cultivate a best-friendship? Am I forever stuck with an ongoing dialogue in my head, things that I so desperately want to say to someone who can relate but can't? Am I destined to be self-involved? I don't want to be, but these deeply-rooted patterns are difficult to alter.

But feeling lonely and isolated isn't living. And making a big joke out of everything (my go-to for lightening the mood and preventing things from getting too deep) is getting old.

Being a superficial friend, a friend on the fringe, isn't fulfilling, and I think that's an area of my life that needs to be filled.

I just don't know how to get there.

Now comes the scary part - hitting publish post. Putting myself and my unfunniness out there for the world to see, to ridicule, to judge, or - hopefully - to relate to. I could easily just delete all of this without posting, but that's too easy and too expected of me and my inner 11-year old. But I'm 26 and I'm allowed to own my feelings and my own person.

So here I am, being 26, and being a brave person, jumping feet-first into the deep end.