Coming up with titles for these posts is becoming more difficult each time...

I hope all of the 9 people who read this blog had a fabulous New Year's that wasn't a complete and total let-down. We were all in bed and asleep by 10 pm because all three of us party animals have been suffering from the worst colds known to the history of epidemology; needless to say, between fighting cholera and being on "nonspeaking" terms for a few hours, December 31-January 1 was a slightly rough transition. Everything is fine now, but the manchild found out about a well-concealed, really dumb, and possibly extremely expensive oopsie I made earlier in the month. Let's just say I am a retard and while vacuuming, I got distracted by the volume and glass-shattering pitch of Collins's cries of terror (she hates the vacuum. And the blow dryer. And the treadmill. Which means that not only am I relegated to becoming a fat mess with frizzy hair, but I must also have a messy house as well.) Per usual, once I got Collins under control and breathing into a paper bag, I completely forgot what I was doing. The dog got upstairs and chewed through the vacuum cord.

No, the vacuum was not plugged in. I almost wish it would have been plugged in, just to teach the little bastard a lesson. Hold on a sec - PETA is knocking on my door...I don't seriously mean that, but a little buzz might be good for him. I should have known when there was no activity from him, that he was probably up to something naughty.

I totally suck at being a housewife.

Let's talk about something else that totally sucks - colds in babies. Poor Collins is just seeping snot. It's everywhere, it's places where you wouldn't expect to see snot. And everytime I take a Kleenex to her face she flips out like a MMA fighter, throwing 'bows, kicking, screaming, etc. She's like the girl on Alias. You think that she's a sweet, darling little infant and then all of a sudden she's knocked you out cold and when you finally come to, she's giggling and playing with her toys, her nose covered in dried snot. It's like she's set on keeping it - like it's a friend or something. It reminds me of Chris Griffin and his pimple, on Family Guy.

We went to HomeGoods (aka Mecca) and I tried to wipe her nose and she screamed like she was being night murdered. Everyone looked at me like I was a baby snatcher. "Umm sorry, my kid has an emotional attachment to her dried snot..." Yeah that sounds just as sane.

Whatever.

I need to go set out the frozen chicken breasts to thaw. We have started our annual Post-Holidays Shitty-Tasting Food Diet. Chicken, brown rice, unseasoned vegetables. Day in, day out, until I have one ass instead of two.