TGIF MFs!

I just put Collins down for a nap. Since she screamed at the top of her lungs for the entire time I was in the shower, I thought maybe she was hungry. I was like, Collins, I don't think you understand how badly the world wants - no, NEEDS - me to take a shower. Well for some reason, the past couple of days she hasn't really had much of an appetite. I wonder if that's from the teething. Poor baby. Well, now she's passed out. I guess she'll eat when she's hungry.

It's been SO beautiful out! You would never believe it's October. Low 80s during the day, 50s at night, love it. I know it's coming to an abrupt end shortly though. As I sorted through Collins's clothing the other day, I realized that we are pretty short on cold-weather gear (save for her North Face vest, true Theta-in-training). At Buy Buy Baby, also known as The Most Overpriced Friggin Store Aside from Neiman Marcus, I browsed the baby clothes. I have come to a very profound conclusion:

What we dress our baby in today has implications on their personality later in life. I haven't done any studies on this, because studying isn't really my thing - I'm much more comfortable making blanket statements that have little to no factual information to support them. But I think I can come up with several categories for the future personality of a baby, depending on how their mom dresses them today. The following are some baby clothes I found that illustrate this hypothesis:

iPood
A white onesie, with headphones and an iPod screenprinted on it. The little boy who wears this will one day become the boy on the playground surrounded by friends, teaching the dirty words and showing them the Hustler magazines he found under his dad's bed. He will grow up and become a handsome young man, whose friends' moms secretly crush on. Girls will be attracted to his naughty sense of humor, and guys will willingly participate in the pranks this guy sets up.

This Thanksgiving, Everyone is Thankful for Me
Designed for the narcissistic baby, this little girl is mostly likely the oldest or intended to be the only child. Her parents will cater to her every whim, and according to her parents, she can do no wrong. She will be the little girl in class who always raises her hand and smiles smugly when she gets an answer right, alienating herself from the other little girls who want a chance at the spotlight. Chances are, her mom was either raised the exact same way, or was raised in foster care with no one to love her and enable her.

Career-Oriented Onesies
This little boy's parents dress him exclusively in career-geared onesies, such as the doctor, the mechanic, or the suit-and-tie onesie. This kid's parents are going to push him incessantly toward higher education, but all this little boy really wants to do is be a dancer. Eventually, his parents' well-meaning pushing is going to send him into a tailspin of drug and addiction, at which time he will have an epic meltdown resulting in him expressing his lifelong desire to be a ballet dancer, followed by an inspiring recovery. His mother will support his decision, and his father will distance himself, biting his tongue and trying not to turn up his nose at his son's choice of career.

The Princess
My least favorite of all personalities, the little princess will be babied her whole life by parents who cannot say "no" to their little miracle. She was probably born into a wealthy family and will grow up to be a coke-addicted little snot, much like Paris Hilton. Her entire room is floor-to-ceiling pink, with lime green as the accent color. (I have nightmares about this kind of color scheme, yuck) She will carry around a purse dog and turn up her nose at anyone who doesn't carry a Birkin bag. She idolizes Suri Cruise and is pretty sure that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is a lesbian.

The Baby Lesbian
This onesie is simple and to the point. It says: Born To Play Softball

The Cool Baby
This baby doesn't give a eff...she's happy-go-lucky, mellow, easygoing, doesn't take things too seriously, and is charismatic and funny, but also slightly aloof and standoffish. She probably comes off as bitchy to people who aren't lucky enough to know her. She isn't really concerned with the Princesses or the Narcissists, as she can see right through their insecure little facades. As she grows up, people will be drawn to her devil-may-care attitude. She will try cigarettes for the first time as a junior in high school, but quickly be disgusted with them because people expect her to be a rebellious smoker. She enjoys defying others' unfounded, judgemental expectations of her.

Where does Collins fit? Definitely the Cool Baby. Note that I didn't expand too much about the little boys...I don't have a little boy, thus I don't feel like I'm authorized to make many more hypotheses about them.

Oh, I forgot a very important one.

The "We Aren't Twins but Mom Dresses Us Identically" Girls
There is always an evil twin. It's usually the oldest. The oldest gets blamed for everything, gets chewed out for being such a huge bitch to her younger sister, who pulls the "Sophie is so mean to me!" card at every opportunity - when in reality, the younger sister was a conniving, manipulative little snot who figured out this good sister/bad sister act way more quickly than the older sister, seized upon the good sister role and forced everyone into believing her older sister was the devil's spawn. But noooo, no one believed me when I argued that Maggie started shit nine times out of ten, and knew what she was doing! "No Maggie is too sweet to do that. She looks up to you!" Yeah, she looks up to me as the person she's going to royally eff over.

Deep breath.

Thank God those days are over.

The truth is, in most cases, perception becomes reality. It takes me back to sophomore year Honor's English. Mrs. Hunnicutt rudely told me I reminded her of Phoebe on Friends. I took this to mean that she thought I was stupid. Yes it was ten years ago. No, I'm not over it. Everyone knows Phoebe as being the friend who is dense, naive, quirky, and has no common sense. Maybe she meant in endearingly, but I find nothing endearing about someone who's effing stupid.

So that made me feel like maybe I truly was stupid, and who wants to be the stupid girl who thinks she's smart? Ummm Sarah Palin, maybe. I sure didn't. So I played up the airhead, ditzy act, because it's what people expected of me. Therefore, perception became reality. And I was MISERABLE. Then I got to college, dropped that pathetic act and embraced who I really am - an intelligent, witty girl who says out loud what everyone is thinking but no one else has the balls to say, likes to have a good time and occasionally get loaded beyond all recognition.

I have to be extremely careful about what Collins wears. Usually when we are bummin around the house, she's just in plain white Garanimals onesies (they are waaaay thicker and softer than Gerber onesies, crazy I know!) because she's just that cool and doesn't give a crap.

Hopefully no one was offended by my offhand Hitler remark yesterday. I totally disagree with everything he ever stood for. Anne frankly he was a cowardly, closeted gay Jewish guy who despised every innate quality about himself and he's lucky he off'd himself before any one else could get to him.

Toodles.