Jumping on the Blogging Bandwagon...

I'm following in the footsteps of my already-blogging friends. Call me a sheep. I've never been a trendsetter.

Insomnia is the bane of my existence. Seriously, right when I fall into my ever-so-light slumber, I am awoken by the sound of jabbering 6 month old on the baby monitor. The funny thing about this age is that Collins has found her voice, and she really likes it. She likes experimenting with volume, tone, inflection, tempo, the whole bit. I was in the middle of a great dream about me and Don Draper when I suddenly hear my baby delivering MLKJR’s “I Have a Dream” speech. She was freshly diapered and fed 2 hours ago and now sound asleep, here I am wide awake.

I think the problem is two-sided.

1. I haven’t started taking my Adderall yet since I just stopped nursing. I know what you are thinking, “You were a straight-A student until college! You do not have ADHD.” Yeah well a monkey with finger cymbals could get straight A’s in high school. Basically you show up, and count on an open-book test. I have a dream…that no child shall be left behind…

My mind is like an air-show. It’s like I’m watching jets zoom by, very quickly. Then an entirely different jet zooms by, all the while I’m getting whiplash and have thought myself into oblivion. I just hope this particular air race my brain is in, is not in Reno. Too soon? Also, I’m obscenely obsessive compulsive. Unfortunately it’s not in the “scrubbing the grout with a toothbrush” kind of way. More in the internal kind of way. That’s a lot of fun. Not being able to turn off my brain – or at least channel it into some sort of productivity - is a nightmare.

I haven’t been able to take my Adderall since before I got pregnant. So it’s been roughly 14 months of nonstop ZOOOOM…ZOOOOM…ZOOOOOOOM. Apparently if you take it while pregnant, you run the risk of some serious birth defects. Personally, I did not want my daughter to be born with a unicycle for legs, perpetually juggling fiery bowling pins while a carnival tune plays everywhere she goes – so I took one for the team.

B. Instead, my prescription-happy doctor gave me Ambien, which was AHHHHHMAZING. I had a good 5 minutes left of consciousness once I downed that little pill. On the downside, I would wake up with evidence of sleepwalking. And by evidence I mean replies to mysterious nonsensical emails I sent in the middle of the night, as well as this kiss of death, “So-and-So has accepted your friend request.”

???!!!

Seriously, like I told Emily Bahe this weekend, if you’re going to sleepwalk, do something cool. Go streaking. Bring your green hat. Go planking. Plant marijuana in your backyard at 4 am. Don’t facebook. That’s the coolest thing I could come up with? What a loser. By the way, the thought that I was friend-requesting people makes me sick to my stomach. I hardly EVER friend request anyone, ok? Bitches come to ME. I don’t scour the People You May Know section and add people. I’m way too standoffish and aloof for that kind of friendly, olive-branch behavior.

Anyways, point being, this is proof that I need to take care of moi, and if that means formula for the baby and Adderall for mommy, then so be it. Plus, not only will it help me focus my life and give the proper attention to everyday things like laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and trimming the lawn with a ruler and Fiskars, I’m hoping it will help me get down to my goal weight of 6 lbs 7 oz. I would love to be able to share clothes with my daughter. She has a few onesies (we all know how I love onesies) that escaped being poop-stained that would look really nice with my receding hairline, deflated boobs and stretch marks.

Clearly I am trying to rationalize stopping nursing, and obviously I’m feeling a great deal of guilt about it. Whatever, I was formula-fed, and I am a borderline genius and an all-around All Star. And humble, to boot! And except for the recurring kidney stones and previous chronic bronchitis, I have been very healthy my whole life.

Speaking of kidney stones – got the Estimation of Benefits from Blue Cross Blue Shield the other day, regarding my ER visit last month. They hooked me up to an IV, took some blood, and gave me enough pain killers to make being lit on fire feel good.  All in one hour.  I appreciated that. What I didn’t appreciate was the $8500 bill – thank God for insurance, or I would surely be turning tricks in every gated community in Leawood. I’m obviously kidding. But in all seriousness, for $8500 you think they could get rid of the thing (which by the way looks like a sea urchin or the spiky-ball on one of those medieval war weapons), or hell at least offer a reach-around, geez.