$h!t Said by No Housewife, Ever

Apparently making lists of things of things individuals have or have not ever said is the hip thing to do. Since I love lists and desperately trying to be cool, I will join in.

$h!t Said by No Housewife, Ever

I just love folding laundry.

I love putting laundry away even more.

That's not a dangerous electrical socket, it's a tunnel to Disney World.

Hey, touch that!

Dog food is delicious!

Please don't ever take a nap.

Please wake up 3 times in the middle of the night, screaming like you are being viciously assaulted.

Sure, Honey, I would love to get out of bed for the third time tonight to go see why the baby is awake - please stay here and sleep!

I would love to unload the dishwasher!

Are you kidding me? Unseasoned, dry, grilled chicken breast with brown rice is my favorite meal ever!

Please scream bloody murder for the entire duration of my (2nd) relaxing shower (of the week.)

If I hear Oh Susannah one more time, I am going to start jumping for joy.

Bubba, please bark louder at absolutely nothing.

I have brushed my hair using 100 strokes today!

It's noon and I already brushed my teeth!

Paying bills is by far my favorite hobby.

Pinterest sucks.

If my kid would just wake up, so I can get something done!

I would just love if you would have all of your buddies over for the Super Bowl - the house looks great!

I love it when the dog freaks out like the vacuum is some sort of evil Transformer.

I would really hate to have to look halfway decent everyday.

I wear makeup every day.

I despise wine.

Since having the baby, my boobs have never been perkier!

I wish I didn't have as much time for reading books.

Stretch marks make me feel so beautiful and womanly.

We never go to Target everyday.

I hope my baby never starts crawling soon. (Followed a few weeks later by:) I wish my kid would never sit still.

I love it when you open up all the dresser drawers and pull out the contents!

Bubba, that is YOUR toy! Not the baby's!

Collins, that is YOUR toy! Not the dog's!

Collins, please dip your foot into your poop-filled diaper.

Seriously, I was totally planning on giving you a bath right this second!

I really hope your poop your pants the second I get you into your carseat.

Thanks, Honey, I know I do look pretty great today, don't I?

Being a stay-at-home mom really challenges me mentally, and I feel I am using my expensive bachelor's degree to it's fullest extent, even if I can't pay off my student loans on a salary of nothing.

I wear yoga pants every day because I do yoga everyday.

I wish we didn't have so much money.

If I could just gain like, 30 pounds I would finally feel good about myself.

I have way too much cabinet space.

I would never resort to diet pills.

I lost the baby weight wayyyyyyy too quickly.

It's okay if the dog and the baby both put that in their mouths.

I dusted twice today!

I hope my day care provider lives in an impoverished part of town, because I want my daughter to be exposed to vast socioeconomic diversity.