Girl Crushes

We've all had them. UrbanDictionary.com defines a girl crush as, "an overwhelming sense of awe felt by a girl for another girl elicited by varying causes ranging from deep respect to unadulterated lust. may result in the any or all of the following: general euphoria, prolonged sense of inspiration, desire for intellectual-intercouse with crush, simple sexual arousal, etc."

I think the entire female population is in full-on girl crush mode.

I'm flattered, really, I am.

Just kidding.

But seriously though.

Everyone, including myself, who watched The Bachelorette and/or doesn't live under a rock is crushing on Emily Maynard. Sans her too-big-for-her-perfect-little-mouth veneers (as a dentist, I am fully qualified to make that assessment), Emily is everything we all want to be:

• Tan
• Blonde 
• Petite.
• Size -2 .
• She's a mom, so you know she puts out.
• Huge boobs.
• Had a baby with someone who must have had her as the beneficiary of his monster life insurance policy (um, 26 - seeming unemployed, living in a giant house, drives a Denali? Lezbehonest.).

The only thing I don't envy this bitch on, is the fact that she has to pretend-date all these douche nozzles. Each introduction got worse. Where were all the hotties? I mean, Doug is kinda cute in that "I'm totally going to screw you over" kind of way, but really that's about it. And what was that pretentious tool doing showing up on a helicopter? What was his name - Kalon?

Okay, that's not even a name. What is it with people making up names for their kids these days? If you make up a name for your kid, you are a grade-A asshole. Your child will spend his or her WHOLE life despising you for bestowing upon them a name that A) means absolutely nothing; and 2) they will have to repeat at least once to each and every person they meet over the course of their lifetime.

I'm looking at you, Jessica Blimpson. If you are going to give your daughter a gender-bender of a name, at least cushion the blow with a feminine middle name. I'll be the first to admit, Collins isn't a prissy fem name, but her middle name is! No one is going to expect a crew cut when Collins Claire shows up. But when Maxwell Drew strolls in through the door, she'll either be wearing a tutu, a tiara and a pair of toddler Louboutins to overcompensate for her masculine moniker, or she'll do what I would do if I were her - just say eff it and wear basketball shorts, Air Jordans and a pixie cut (and not a cute Michelle Williams pixie cut. I'm talking like a Brandon Teena do.)

While I'm on the topic of J. Blimp, let me make a prediction.

In two months, J. Blimp is going to be plastered all over the tabloid covers with the headlines, "How I lost the baby weight!" "She lost 160 lbs after baby!" "Jessica and Jenny Craig - teaming up to beat the post-baby bulge!"

Whatever.

Let me tell you what really happened. This is what (I think) happens in Hollywood. You have two different kind of pregnant people. You have the Victoria Beckhams and Rachel Zoes who add a couple extra sugar-snap peas every week to sustain their fetus, and maybe lay off the nose snow for the duration of their pregnancy.


Then six weeks post-delivery they are like, "OMG look at me I'm tinier now than I was before I was pregnant because I'm somehow nursing a baby while subsisting on a 15 calorie-a-day diet!"

Then you have the Jessica Simpsons and the Kate Hudsons who go BANANAS during their pregnancy, gain 300 lbs and eat everything in sight.


Of course this type of celebmom is probs going to endorse Jenny Craig or NutriSystem or some other shit after they have the baby, so they are probs in a contract that mandates that they gorge themselves beyond all recognition so then they can "lose the weight" on whatever stupid diet they are hawking. Nevermind that their babies are probably born with Type-2 diabetes and high cholesterol.



While these two types of celebmoms are vastly different, it all comes full circle and vanity wins in the end. I think that when they go to deliver said baby, the doctor wheels over to the promised land and pulls on his rubber gloves, looks up at her and says, "Okay Jessica, are we doing the Hollywood Usual?"



The Hollywood Usual - I imagine - is a common procedure for celebmoms that includes: a caesarean delivery, liposuction, tummy tuck, Brazilian butt lift, breast lift and/or augmentation (keep that breastfeeding look for the rest of your life!) urethral botox (so that they don't piss themselves everytime they laugh or sneeze like normal moms do), fat injections into the lips, vaginal reconstruction, abdominal muscle creation/sculpting, eye lift (gotta look rested for those magazine covers), and for God's sake a freaking reach around. The doctor then sends her on her way with a pamphlet that reads, "How to make normal non-celebrity moms feel like absolute shit" and a prescription for cocaine - they're gonna need that morning bump to keep awake during those 3 am feedings.

Ha. Kidding. They have nannies for that. And then they pose 2 weeks later, gushing about how great Jenny Craig is. But they aren't even on Jenny Craig. They have a personal chef, four nannies, a personal trainer, and they even have someone to wipe their ass.

Anyways, that's what really happens in Hollywood moms' delivery rooms. Granted, some of the procedures I made up I think. Like urethral botox? Not sure that's an actual thing, but if it is I'd like to look into it.

And while I'm on a rant about the ridiculousness of celebrity pregnancy, can I just say one thing?

STOP. Stop with the naked pregnancy pictures. I don't care if you are fully naked or just baring your naked belly. We all know what a naked person looks like. We all know what a pregnant person looks like. Thus, I think we can safely concur what a naked pregnant person looks like. In real life, without Photoshop. With stretch marks. And disgusting dry flaky skin. We get it. We'll never have a picture of our pregnant selves, looking glorious with a fresh blowout (the hair, not the diaper), perfectly smooth, evenly pigmented skin. No. And these celebretards publicizing their naked pregnant body are encouraging less-fortunate-looking nonfamous people to do it too. Everytime I see a picture of a naked pregnant belly show up on my news feed, I feel so embarassed for the sadly misguided young sperminated woman.

Maybe I'm just bitter that I didn't LOVE being pregnant. I LOVE the outcome. To each her own, but I felt like a sweaty, fat, stretch-mark covered beast and I only gained 25 lbs. I can't imagine birthing a fourth-grader like Jessica Simpson did. Hopefully Maxwell Drew enjoys the lunchbox I sent her as a baby gift. Maybe she'll be able to use it on Monday at Beverly Hills Elementary School.