All across the world, millions of preteen hearts are shattered today. Some little skankbag who has a three month old baby is certain that her baby daddy is Justin Bieber. I guess she rode the Biebs’s baloney pony in a backstage bathroom after his concert. He told her that he was a virgin (um duh he’s like 14) and that he wanted to “make love to her.” I’m SOOOO sure he said that. Let’s face it, his hand was cramped from holding his microphone during his concert, and he was going to get after it, one way or another. She also said it lasted about 30 seconds (!!!) and that he didn’t use a jimmycap. I’m not sure which he should be more embarrassed about – the 30 seconds, not using a condom, or letting the words, “I want to make love to you,” come out of his mouth directed at a complete stranger. But awwww, Bieber’s first paternity test! It’s pretty endearing, really.
Don’t even get me started on the famewhore Kardashians…I’ve had 24 hour flus that lasted longer than that “sacred” union. Justin Bieber’s first time with a chick lasted longer than their marriage.
Ah shit. I got started. Here we go.
Are they really that desperate for money and attention that they would fake a marriage – a union that is supposed to be between two people who promise to love one another til their dying day? Man, that’s really pathetic. Let’s not forget that this is Kim’s second divorce, and she’s 31, presumably old enough to have learned how to make sound decisions. I have a little more compassion for a 20 year old who gets married after a whirlwind romance, only to realize that they don’t really know who they are, let alone how to be the person their spouse wants them to be. I’m not trying to be totally judgmental, but I firmly believe that if you have been divorced two times already, you should probably call it quits on marriage – unless of course you have completed extensive therapy. Let’s face it, if you have been divorced more than twice, you should probably take a long hard look at yourself: maybe you are purposely sabotaging your relationships by picking the wrong type of guys, or maybe you are just a colossal bitch. I’m just sick of reading, watching, and hearing about this narcissistic family. When Kris Jenner says that Kim didn’t make money off their wedding, that it was real and that Kim’s in a lot of pain, why do people believe her? Obviously she’s just lying to generate more attention – more attention equals more cash. And those whores are laughing all the way to the bank. Their wedding guests are probably pissed off that they purchased the $500 Hermes dinner plate as a wedding gift for a marriage that barely lasted past the reception. If I was a wedding guest, or even a human being with a pulse, I’d be a little offended that they even made a wedding registry. They made millions and millions of dollars, and their guests are expected to purchase them a gift to help them “get started?” Please. If they weren’t self-absorbed narcissists, they would have asked their guests to make donations to a charity in lieu of a gift.
Damnit. I got started. I’m done now.
Clayton has been in San Antonio for work again, so I was on trick-or-treater duty by myself on Monday. And 24/7 baby duty. And 24/7 puppy duty. And 24/7 laundry, dishes, and cleaning duty. I hate when he has to travel.
Collins and I sat outside on her blanket for awhile, handing out candy to the kiddos. She was dressed as Snow White, after she got confused as what she was supposed to be: I had dressed her as a lobster but she obviously thought she was supposed to be a crab. So crabby! But then we got overwhelmed and annoyed and went inside. I tried the whole “giving the baby a bottle while balancing the candy bowl on my knee, propping the front door open with my butt and using my third arm to hand out candy, but after one particular encounter, I said EFF IT and left the bowl outside.
Let me preface this encounter by mentioning that I love my daughter. I love my nieces and nephews and cousins, and kids’ kids. But I don’t particularly love random kids in general. I don’t hate them. I just don’t really like them. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that it seems like manners aren’t being taught they way they were when I was a little kid. I was terrified of being impolite to adults because I knew my mom and dad would chew me out big time. I am used to being put in my place, and so maybe that’s why I have no problem putting little brats in their place.
This little (the term “little” is fraught with irony) douchebag goes, “Trick or treat!” I said, “Happy Halloween! Only take one piece okay?” Kid goes, “Only ONE?” I reply, “Yeah, I’m already running out, and there are a lot of kids in the neighborhood!” He whines, “Yeah, but I’m ONE of them!!!” And I said, “Well tough nuggets kid. If it’s a problem, then you can have none.”
I highly doubt that taking only one piece of candy is going to prevent you from inhaling two weeks’ worth of calories, refined sugar, and fat in one night - which you will follow up by playing hours upon hours of World of Warcraft. All in the lifelong hope of contracting Type 2 Diabetes.
“A minute on your lips, a lifetime on your thighs.” Ahhh damnit! Kardashians, you win again!
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