If I had it my way, my house would be perpetually decorated for whichever upcoming holiday is closest. It would be amazing. But to save my neighbors the stress of being "That House," I decided its appropriate to decorate only 31 days before the event. That makes spring and summer pretty boring in terms of decorating (Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day - its all red, white, and blue) so this is my favorite time of year. October 1st I will begin decorating my house in spooktacular fashion, hopefully scaring the living shit out of every kid on the block. I wouldn't be upset if I saw tears in the kids' eyes. Then November 1st, I will proceed with Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then Valentine's Day! I get giddy and tingly inside when I think of how much holiday decorating is on the horizon.
Something strange has happened the past two days. Middle school and high school-aged boys having fundraising car washes. Why they would choose to have a car wash is my first question, my second question is why they would want to have it in September, when all their tans have faded and they just look like scrawny pre-pubescent boys with back-ne. I mean, who do they think they are? I can tell you who they aren't: Chicks (although they sound like girls, being as their voices haven't changed yet), and thus they are also not an organization who is going to make any money.
Everyone knows the cardinal rules of fundraising car washes.
1.You pick a date in the mid-to-late summer...summer meaning before school resumes in August, preferably a Saturday that there's some sort of citywide function going on, ie. Kearney Cruise Night. Every retard with a car older than 10 years old thinks he has to spruce up his "classic" 1997 Monte Carlo and cruise down the strip with a trashy looking girl in the front seat, wearing a halter top, jorts, and a really tight pony tail held in place by a scrunchie. Bonus points if their illegitimate child is in the backseat. Extra bonus points if she's drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade. For some reason that I cannot comprehend, the entire town congregates downtown to watch this trainwreck. The people who are cruising the strip think that the people pointing at their cars are impressed by their sweet ride, but really people are pointing out douchebags to one an other. Much like the slug-bug game. Point is, don't do the 3rd weekend in September. Its chilly, it rains every third day. And let's call a spade a spade: No one wants to play the "Is it a goosebump or a whitehead?" game.
2. I don't care if your fundraiser is to support your boy scout troop, you never ever EVER have boys wash the cars. A car wash hosted by boys is going to attract one specific type of clientele: Their moms. Their dads won't even go, for fear of being labeled as a creepy pervert who likes young boys who don't have any chest hair. They would be more likely to just hand their kid a couple dead presidents or write a check to this doomed organization and skip the car wash altogether. Is it sexism? Sure. But is it true? Absolutely. No, I am not a lesbian. I am just being reasonable and honest, fair and balanced. Because no one goes to a car wash to get their cars washed. Guys go to a car wash to see a bevy of beauties shake their stuff, hoping to witness their lifelong fantasy of girls sudsing their car windows with their boobs and spraying eachother playfully. Then ending the day with a rousing down-feather pillow fight in white cotton bras and panties. It's a pedophile's dream come true. Thus, car washes hosted by girls is likely to attract a wider array of clientele. Moms, dads, sisters, brothers, sistas, brothas, boyfriends, band geeks, and registered sex offenders all come out of the woodwork in hopes of donating to the Kappa Alpha Theta Spring Break in Cancun fund. Did I contemplate having a car wash to help pay for my spring break trips? Yes, but only during the summer that I subsisted only on Barton's vodka and baby carrots and ran 5 miles a day on the treadmill at the Kearney YMCA while following the Natalee Holloway coverage on Greta Van Susteren. I didn't actually do it though. Somehow I convinced my dad that I badly needed and deserved a vacation from my strenuous life as a CBA student - basically that's equivalent to a narcoleptic complaining of needing a nap.
By the way, the odds of me shelling out cash money to an organization full of boys whose car wash signs are attached to their gold chains is slim to nil. There was one young fellow in particular who had this look in his eye like, "I'm totally stealing her Jeep factory-grade rims." That's how they get you. They steal your rims, take your donation, then sell your rims and like, quadruple their earnings. So clearly they understand the ideas behind profit generation, but they need to go back to Marketing 101. Good luck earning money for your boy scout trip to Deanna Rose Farmstead.
No comments:
Post a Comment